Name : Mum
Current role : Mum of 3 boys
Previous roles : weekend party person, long lazy Sunday morning lie in practitioner, clothes shopping enthusiast
Please state what experience you have gained in your current role:
I can pick up Lego with my toes whilst carrying a pile of laundry,
I can locate any missing items with a 2.5 mile radius,
I am a skilled risk assessor; spotting a clime-able wall, water hazard and skateboard trip hazard from 10 metres.
I am an excellent referee and know the difference between a play fight and a ‘I want to cause damage because I’m cross that you’re player 1 on the games console’ fight.
I can find a working battery in my home to buy an extra 10 minutes peace to save a complete melt down on said games console.
I am able to feed 5 people a healthy meal despite being informed there is no food in the house.
I can spot the early warning signs of excess energy expulsion (sometimes displayed by sliding down the stairs in a sleeping bag) by issuing a long walk, wellies and sticks.
I am a quick thinker, on long car journeys where the passengers are starting to irritate each other by exhaling co2 (some people refer to this as breathing) I can think up a distraction game, usually involving the colours of cars (except silver, I never allow silver. )
Please state your qualifications / training
Ability to control behaviour with a ‘look’
Stain removing (all items including the dog)
Turning a blind eye when your child is sliding down their knees in a supermarket aisle
Ability to waste an entire afternoon sorting through Lego to find a green Lego light sabre
First Aid / rub it better
How to determine when odd socks are acceptable
Ability to ignore the fact that your child is the only one who can’t sit still in a school concert
1001 things to do with a stick
Accepting that one day you’ll be the shortest person in the house & no longer able to hide your chocolate on top of the fridge
Bathrooms part 1: Toilet seat wiping, toilet roll replacing, seat lowering and toilet floor mopping
Bathrooms part 2: How not to loose your cool when you sit on the toilet in the morning and find its been sprinkled on.
And finally please can you tell us why you would be the best candidate for this role?
I have 15 years experience in being a mum of boys, I have accepted that ‘things’ need to be held while watching TV, I feel my above mentioned training and qualifications stand me in good stead and am fully aware that with careful and subtle nagging I will be able to produce a son that will be perfect husband material thus ensuring my home will be free of cars, sticks and damaged skateboard wheels one day in the future. thought-out my mum of a son years I have been able to establish when a head rub or a full cuddle is needed and when the only option is to hide the modem to encourage a boy out of bed in the morning.