16 months ago I sat down and typed the hardest blog post I’ve ever had to write. I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing, sharing something so personal and painful, but I was certain I had to be truthful and honest with those who knew me or read my blog. For months I’d hid behind the pain of coming to terms with the end of my marriage and I realised it was harder pretending everything was normal than it would be admitting to everyone what was really going on.
Truth be told I thought I was so strong and independent as I declared how positive it would be, how my husband & I had tried to make it work and how we were putting our children first and creating 2 calm happy homes instead of 1 turbulent, tense driven sad little house. A house full of lies & fake smiles which eventually wore me down to a shell where learnt to put feelings aside and power on. Looking back now I can see how broken I was, I lived each day on autopilot, never planning too far ahead, pushing negativity aside. I was numb, life was something which happened around me.
But in that 16 months, I’ve realised that life is simply too short to settle for anything less than what you know will make you happy. I’d be lying if there weren’t moments when I was terrified of my future but not once did I regret filing for divorce. I knew my husband & I weren’t making each other happy, and I was more terrified of a future with him than without him.
I was lucky, my family and friends wrapped me up and supported me through. Not one person told me I’d done the wrong thing, they knew before I did that my marriage was over, but the guilt I felt for taking my children into the unknown was overwhelming. I’m still trying to work out if they’re ok with it all, as I’m sure they are too. I’m under no illusion that they’d rather not have to swap homes every other weekend but the alternative was so much worse.
But it’s time once again where I share, an update. My transition from Mrs to Miss is complete and I’m now a happily divorced woman, I’m also a very different woman, a woman who will never settle for anyone who will make me feel scared to say the wrong thing, dance when the rhythm scoops me up or see anything other than the positive, happy side of life. I’m starting to plan things again. I’d like to say I lost a husband and gained a friend but sadly he doesn’t see life like I do, the anger and bitterness still consume him just as it always did and I have a horrible feeling that will never change.
And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll find my Prince Charming and go back to life as a wife? I’ll find that certain someone who’ll hold me in public, will be oblivious by every pretty girl who walks in the room, will accept my boys as his own, plan a future with me, someone I can talk to through the good times and the bad.
Who knows, I may even have found him? What I do know though is this; I’m happy in my own skin and my own company and I’m not reliant on someone else making me happy. I make me happy and anything else is a bonus.